Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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