I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
