Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
