JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
