there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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