yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dick very happy bro
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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