we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
