I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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