Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
