I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
