??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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