she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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