I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
