I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
