So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
