she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
