It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
