I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
