Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize