You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize