i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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