he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
