did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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