I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
