I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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