I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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