Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
