If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
