my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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