her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
