So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
