Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
