I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
