everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
