I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Floor bacon is actually really good
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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