hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
