i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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