i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
