i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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