Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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