I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
