We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
