There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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