the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
