I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
