my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
