His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
