The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
