Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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