You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
