God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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