I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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