On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
