Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
