You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
