There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
