Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize