Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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